art projects, elementary school style.

And since Jessica floated down on the sparkly unicorn like Glinda the good witch, crafting is what we've done. We are making surprises with our hands; the living room is a wastepile of glue guns, dirt, newspapers, fabric paint, mod podge; bolts of copper ribbon unfurl and snake daintily around cut strips of paper and sharpies. It looks like we are artists, squatting. My project is a secret, but it's spectacular, and involves handstyled olde english letters, which I learnt from my 17-year-old cousin who is running a tattoo parlour out of his mom's basement to earn money for a lowrider bike. Jessica is mod-podging the ugly lamp with chartreuse glitter, so when the light bulb's on, it shines upwards. I don't think anyone taught her to mod-podge, she just knew it innately. After we make a fake T-bone, we're tying mini plastic dogs to the lampshade in a circle, so it looks like they're chasing after the steak.

The point: anyone with a line on making a realistic-looking steak, let us know. I suggested shellacking an actual slab of beef, but J.Hova said that was gross.