Gloria in Ay, Dios Mio

RIP to Laura Branigan, she of my trademark karaoke song, "Gloria."

VMAs were slightly more exciting than my mom at church, and a flagrant waste of celebrity... like, why even invite Missy Elliott if you only alot her 30 seconds of mic time? Or did Usher's auto-erotic acceptance speeches cut into everyone else's screen shots? Also, the Lakers LOST the series, so why was Shaq hosting to "Let's get Barftarded" instead of oh, I don't know, A PISTON?! Let us not forget we congratulate winners around here, and haterate losers, and that Shaq, despite having a build not dissimilar to the Beasties' Sasquatch doll, is an unequivocal LOSER.

Unspoken rivalries made for slightly interesting friction. For instance, who had worse pitch: Hoobastank singer or Chaka Khan? Who is the wacker Simpson: Ashlee or Jessica? Who is drunker: P.Diddy or Bruce Willis? Such questions weigh on one's mind for 1/8th of a synapse, and then... nothing.