Chen

Dual-purpose Bookshelf

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:29:23 -0800

"Mr. Lakin, a woodworker, makes coffins specifically for home funerals. Ranging in price from $480 to $1,200, they double as bookcases, entertainment centers and coffee tables until they need to be used." -The New York Times

— Honey, can I ask you a question?
— What is it? Is something wrong?
— Oh, it's nothing big. It's just... I never understood why our bookcase has those big handles on it.
— Those make it easier for the pallbearers to carry.
— What?
— You've never seen a coffin without handles, have you?
— Our bookcase is... a coffin?
— I thought we went over this before I bought it.
— No. It just sort of quietly appeared in our living room one day.
— Oh. Well, yeah. Our bookcase doubles as a coffin. Cool, huh?
—So all this time we've been storing our library... in your coffin.
— No, the bookcase is your coffin. My coffin is the entertainment center.
— The entertainment— why didn't I know about this? Is everything a goddamn coffin in this death house!?
— Besides the bookshelf and entertainment center? Just that coffee table.
— (Spits out coffee.) Jesus Christ...
— That one's for the little guy. (Points to wife's swollen stomach.) If... you know... something happens.
—...
— God forbid.

Spotted in Estacada, Oregon

Thu, 28 May 2009 11:00:06 -0800

(THANKS, RACHEL.)

The Text Message Templates that Came with My New Nokia 2115i Concern Me

Tue, 26 May 2009 18:09:21 -0800

"Yes."

"No."

"Hey."

"What's up?"

"Where R U?"

"I'll meet U there."

"Running late."

"Oh God."

"Someone is following me with a huge knife again."

"Please... call the police."

"Why does this keep happening to me?"

"Hiding in a bush. He's right next to me."

"I think I can lose him. Just don't text me right now. I still haven't figured out how to mute the text notification beep thing."

"MY PHONE JUST BEEPED REALLY LOUD WHEN U TEXTED ME. WHY THE HELL DID U TEXT ME???"

"STOP! DON'T ANSWER THAT!"

"OH JESUS HE'S TURNING THIS WAY."

"Well, I guess this is it."

"I Want 2 tell u that ur my best friend before I die."

"Wait a second... it's you! You were the one following me this whole time!?"

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"RACHEL? I've never even TALKED to Rachel!"

"No, you can't look at my call log. Hey... wait!"

"ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

"Why does the Nokia 2115i not have an option to erase your call log?"

"All of my troubles began when I purchased the Nokia 2115i."

"The Nokia 2115i is a cursed instrument."

"Beware the Nokia 2115i!"

"And now, I die."

"TTYL."

Path of Life Garden

Wed, 20 May 2009 11:47:00 -0800

I am still home in Vermont. For another week-and-a-half I will be here and languishing in next-level boredom. Vermont, as beautiful as it is, as nice as the people and as fluffy as the pancakes are, inspires in me a state of being bored that could only be surpassed by three weeks solitary confinement at a supermax prison--a supermax prison being overseen by a stone-faced warden and not, as is my parents' house, my Mom, at whom you can yell "I'mmmmm boreeeeeddd" whenever she walks into the living room and get at least a little distracting entertainment out of annoying the shit out of her.

But when a crucial amount of shit is annoyed out of her, Mom always takes the offensive and suggests some terrible activities like "doing some volunteer work" or "going on a field trip" or something. So this is how I ended up driving to Windsor, VT (aka THE BIRTHPLACE OF VERMONT) with her yesterday to visit the Path of Life Garden, all the while wondering if she was planning on donating me to some new age cult she had taken up with since I'd been out of the house.

But, turned out the Path of Life Garden (POLG) was very fun in an almost-non-ironic way. POLG is this weird sculpture garden that you walk through and it simulates every stage of a person's life, as imagined by an aging hippie. Thus you start by walking through THE TUNNEL OF OBLIVION:

NOT THE MOST INVITING THING TO CALL A TUNNEL

Then you walk through a HEDGE MAZE that is supposed to symbolize all the hedge mazes we have to confront in adolescence or something:

WHERE THE FUCK AM I? (NOT WHAT MOM ACTUALLY SAID, BUT YOU CAN TELL SHE'S THINKING IT!)

You can visit the HUGE BURNING MAN-TYPE SCULPTURES which symbolize creativity, and LSD:

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDEEEEE!?!?!?!?!?

You can sit on the CIRCLE OF STONE BENCHES, which symbolizes family, and massive bong rips:

GONNA GO DOWN TO RUTLAND AND GET SOME HYDRO

There is, of course, a TIPI, which symbolizes sorrow, and, like, how in touch with nature indians are:

PEYOTE!?!!?!?!?!?!????!!

...and a CONCRETE STATUE OF BUDDHA:

BUDDHISM IS TOTALLY CHILL

And at the end YOU DIE!!!

YIKES

But, yeah, I make fun because I care. I highly recommend the Path of Life Garden if you are ever in the vicinity of Windsor, Vermont:

THE PATH OF LIFE MAP

THE GOP Called and wants me to run for congress

Sun, 17 May 2009 17:30:39 -0800

Michael Steele, Chairman of the GOP just called and asked if I wanted to run for congress as a Republican in the 2010 elections. Apparently they are trying to revamp their image?

He made a convincing argument, saying that the GOP could no longer afford to be held hostage by its radical fringe elements, and that a more diverse, more mainstream party could actually win elections while keeping true to its founding principles of small government and personal responsibility. As an Asian and a Jew, Michael Steele said, I would be a valuable contribution to a 21st century makeover.

I told him I would think about running, but I would need to come up with a platform, first. Here is a rough sketch of the platform I told him:

-A substantial Carbon Tax, to directly penalize large corporations for their adverse impact on our environment
-poop
-pee
-penis
-poop again
-penis once more
-vagina
-vagina, take two
-Universal health care

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR MY PLATFORM AS A GOP CANDIDATE FOR CONGRESS? LEAVE THEM IN THE COMMENTS.

PRETTY BORED IN VERMONT

Fri, 15 May 2009 23:01:03 -0800

RABBIT from Adrian Chen on Vimeo.

IDEAZONE: "Let Adrian Decide"

Tue, 12 May 2009 12:26:02 -0800

Hello, and welcome to the IDEAZONE™. Inspired in part by my friend Mikey, I am going to start blogging some of the ideas for projects that I am planning in order to get feedback from you, the reader. Here is the prospectus for my idea, "Let Adrian Decide."

IDEA PROSPECTUS

NAME OF IDEA
"Let Adrian Decide"

WHAT IS IT?
"Let Adrian Decide" is a free service that allows Mobile users to text or call me, Adrian Chen, with a decision they need to make, and I will make that decision for them, no matter how profound or trivial.

HOW IT WORKS
1) A User texts, emails or calls me from their mobile device or computer with a decision they need to make, along with pros and cons and additional context, if possible. I will make any decision, from what to order at a restaurant to what to name your child.
2) After careful deliberation and consulation with any appropriate Internet or expert sources, I make the decision.
3) The User receives a text, email or call from me with the result of my decisionmaking process.
4) The User can accept or reject this decision at their will.
5) IT IS COMPLETELY FREE

RATIONALE
"Let Adrian Decide" is a revolutionary improvement over current Mobile technologies, like the iPhone and Google SMS, which displace personal responsibility to a third party. These technologies have enabled us to become partially irresponsible in our everyday lives. For example: In the past, if someone was hungry but had not the foresight to look up good restaurants in the area beforehand, they would have had to either make a poorly-informed decision or wait until they got home to access more information about restaurants, then make a better-informed decision. The consequence of their ill-preparedness was inconvenience. But new Mobile services and the iPhone abnegate many consequences of such irresponsibility. The hungry, ill-prepared person can simply fire up the UrbanSpoon application on their iPhone and browse highly-rated restaurants conveniently sorted by walking distance. Or they might text the Mobile service ChaCha with the question "What is a good Thai Restaurant near NW Couch St." and a live person will text back an answer a minute later (Thai Peacock). Similarly, Google offers SMS searching, with which an irresponsible Mobile user can retrieve movie times, product prices, directions, etc. long after the point at which a responsible person would probably have figured this out on their own.

There is, then, a large demand for the technological displacement of responsibility. However, current Mobile services only offer partial displacement. This is because current Mobile services and applications only relieve information-gathering responsibilities. Users are still responsible for the actual decisions made using this information. Responsibility, and the attendant consequences of irresponsibility, remain. However, "Let Adrian Decide" takes responsibility displacement to its logical conclusion. "Let Adrian Decide" prevents poor decisionmaking completely via allowing the User to avoid making decisions altogether. Personal responsibility vanishes; the User remains a mobile Innocent.

MARKETING/BUSINESS PLAN
1) I will buy the URL www.letadriandecide.com and make a website/blog and promotional/instructional video for "Let Adrian Decide."
2) I will contact friends and media outlets who might want to blog about "Let Adrian Decide."
3) I will make a printable "Let Adrian Decide" decal that stores and restaurants can put in their window to help customers in their decisionmaking.
4) I will set a goal of making three decisions a day by the end of the first week of the service.
5) I will buy extra minutes and text messages for my prepaid cell-phone in order to accomodate the expected increase in volume of calls and texts.
6) I will blog daily about the decisions I make on the "Let Adrian Decide" blog

Well, what do you think, guys? I'm actually totally serious about doing this. Is this a good and funny use of my time? Will people actually call me up and have me make decisions for them? Would you??

COLORADO

Sat, 09 May 2009 16:21:59 -0800

I am in Estes Park, Colorado now visiting my sister at the alternative high school where she teaches. Things are different in Colorado. For example, everyone looks like they have just come back from, or are about to go to, a Dave Matthews Band concert: men, women, children, even black people have the distinctive Dave Matthews Band fan appearance. Which is: extremely functional pants, mirrored shades, backwards cap, old t-shirt with either a Dave Matthews Band logo or one of those t-shirts that says "be happy" or whatever. You know?

People like the outdoors in Colorado. As my sister and I were driving up to Estes Park we saw maybe 300 cyclists peddling furiously up the hill, all decked out in bright jerseys and frighteningly skinny. I think these people will spend the next fifty years of their life bicycling up this hill every day using progressively more advanced cycling gear, then die.

Yesterday, my sister and I went for a hike and I found five ticks on my body afterward. It was really gross. None of them had started sucking my blood yet, though, thank God, or I would not be here blogging today, having died from screaming like a girl until my aortic vessel popped like a grape. My sister had two ticks on her body so we looked up the different kinds of diseases one can get from ticks in Colorado. My favorite was called "tick paralysis." This is a pretty straightforward disease, but the interesting thing is if you get tick paralysis you can cure it simply by removing the tick. So, next time you're paralyzed make sure to ask yourself: Have I removed all of the ticks from my body?

All in all, I would not want to live in Colorado, although it's pretty.

MOVING

Wed, 06 May 2009 09:43:17 -0800

Sorry I haven't started blogging on this blog. I am moving to NEW YORK CITY tomorrow and have been super busy with lying on the couch complaining about not wanting to start packing.

Now I'm trying to find boxes to pack all of my things in. Could someone email me some boxes, or maybe leave a few good-sized ones in the comments? Does anyone have any 'green' boxes made of recycled animal feces, or 'carbon neutral' boxes where one box is released into the wild for each box captured and used by humans to store things in? Does anyone have any boxes that automatically pack themselves?

NOTE TO SELF: Easier way to pack my things: Find a box as big as the entire world, then put it over the world.

Mikey's Last Update

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 12:25:40 -0800

This is Mike. I'm handing the keys of this blog over to Adrian as I now owe him $496.19. We're working with an arbiter to decide what is fair. We look forward to Adrian being on UrbanHonking and apologize for the mistakes we made in the past.

help

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 18:18:11 -0800

There are only a few days left of this EXCLUSIVE offer.

THIS VIDEO WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Please donate now. We really need the more support.

Seriously, I think I made a huge mistake. I promised Chen I'd pay him $500, but I've only made $1.81. Oh god... I really can't afford this... Please, please, please make a donation.

LIMITED TIME!!! THE FUTURE OF THE MEDIA I$ HERE

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 10:06:09 -0800

THI$ I$ IT. THE FUTURE OF THE TV.

We have an EXCLU$IVE VIDEO. No other place ONLINE can show this *NEW* video from humorist/comedy-man ADRIAN CHEN.

THE DEAL IS LIKE THI$: We paid him for the exclusive CONTENT, and now we are working to MONETIZE that INVE$$TMENT.

YOU CAN JOIN THE WINNING TEAM!

*FREE* *FREE* *FREE* WE MADE IT FREE FOR YOU! *FREE* *FREE* *FREE*

Please watch the FUNNY VIDEO from yesterday and if it TICKLE$ YOUR FUNNY BONEs then consider the PRICELE$$ NATURE of HUMOR.

COMEDY HEALS ALL WOUND$.

What is this WORTH to you? THAT is the QUESTION!

NOW I$ YOUR CHANCE!, Make thi$ WORK!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(for exclusive video click to this)

THIS IS YOUR EXCLUSIVE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:29:39 -0800

Watch this "EXCLUSIVE"

Internet Video:

I'm talking about the most amazing thing you will see this year!

THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

If You Think You've Seen It

All

-- You Haven't Seen It All!

From:
Mike Merrill

Hello, I'm Mike Merrill, and I'm here to share with you something you have never seen before. Thanks to our exclusive agreement with ADRIAN CHEN we have something here you can't get everywhere else.

EXCLUSIVE ADRIAN CHEN VIDEO

ADRIAN CHEN and I were at an art opening the other day and I mentioned that I'd love to do an interview or something with him. He replied that he's been looking for ways to monetize his video stream, and I lit up like a christmas cake! YES!

If there is something I know how to do, THIS IS IT! I know about the internet and I CAN DO THIS!

So we worked out an agreement. As ADRIAN CHEN has put all the work into this video, it's only fair that I take on the risk. So I told ADRIAN CHEN I would pay him $500.00 for a TEN DAY "exclusive" on his video. Any money I make over the $500 is mine to keep, but he gets a nice bit of money.

PLEASE HELP ME MONETIZE THIS VIDEO!!!!!

This is no joke.

I need your help.

Please Hurry - Only 10, 9, 8, 7 DAY's Left!

(for exclusive video scroll down...)

You can directly donate whatever you think this video is worth!

WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK!

TOGETHER WE CAN DO IT!

One Time I Went to the Beach

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:31:58 -0800

One time, last Friday, I went to the Oregon coast with my friends dalas and Anja. We did a lot of fun things at the coast. One thing I did was kill a dolphin with a sharpened stone. The dolphin had leaped out of the surf and appeared to be attacking dalas but on second thought I realize it had been trying to warn us about the dangers we would soon face:

Me killing a dolphin at the beach (dead dolphin not pictured)

Another thing I did was I saw three sea nymphs on the beach. They were naked and beautiful and they beckoned me into the freezing water where I would have certainly perished, had it not been for the warning of the dolphin I had killed:

Sea Nymphs Perilously Beckoning (Sea Nymphs Not Pictured)

Another thing I did was take a lot of pictures of giant squids which kept shooting their tentacles out, trying to grab our ankles, while I expertly dodged the dastardly devils, thanks, again, to the dolphin's sage advice:

Expertly dodging giant squid tentacles (dodging and squid tentacles not pictured)

After a long day at the coast, it was time to gather up our beef jerky, climb into the hot air balloon and sail back to Portland:

Sailing back to Portland in the hot air balloon (beef jerky not pictured)

(all pictures via Anja)

Dr. Franzoni's Presentation

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:51:08 -0800

dalas and my performance at Reed last night, for those interested:

Dr. Franzoni’s Presentation from dalas verdugo on Vimeo.