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A review of the grocery store restrooms in the Salem Willamette Valley area.

As with any public restroom you enter at your own risk.
Public restrooms are a world of infestations, germs, bacteria and other unknown
micro-organisms.
Most of us would rather suffer the anxiety and pain of holding an urinary or bowel movement than enter this world of foul smells and messes left by those of disgusting hygiene etiquette.

I visited six area grocery stores, and revisited them at different hours of the day and multiple days. I found that if you got there at opening time the restrooms were fairly clean. What I mean by fairly is, that only the employees had used them. By mid-day the garbage had started to pile up, remnants of paper towels that had not made there way to the garbage can and the area in front of the stools was only wet. By mid-evening most restrooms were at the point of disgust, paper towels and garbage littered the floor, you needed rubber boots or goulashes to safely wade your way to the stools. Once arriving you were greeted with an image of horror and filth that made you wonder if you were living in a civil society.

Luckily for us, once in a great while we come across a place/business that takes pride in its public appearance and shows respect for its customers.

One such place(s) are the Roths IGA stores of the Salem area, regardless of what time of day you go to these stores you are always greeted with a smile, friendly service, and a clean store, and the restrooms are always clean and fresh.
As for the others, such as Safeway or Fred Meyer, well that depended on how great your need is. Their restrooms lack personal attention, it seems cleaning them once a day is fine with their standards. But when it came to Wal-Mart and Food-4-Less bring your goulashes and a body condom, you will need them. Apparently even the employees are afraid to go into them.

At the risk of being assaulted or arrested I, and with the help of a female companion, we interview an occasional patron coming from the restroom. Their responses are included at the end of each restroom picture.

A special note: afternoon and evening pictures of the restrooms were prohibited by the web master do to their offensiveness and obscenity.

Stayton's Roths IGA

Welcome to Stayton where the smiles are free and the restrooms are cleaner than yours.

Restroom entry way:

Womens restrooms:

Interview:

Females: Alice
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom was very clean and every time I see the bathroom it is always very clean.

Mens restroom:

Interview:

Males: Bobby
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom was very clean and it looked like that someone just cleaned it.

Safeway Downtown Salem

Lobby

Restroom Entry: Be sure to wave hi to the people enjoying their Starbucks coffee on your way to the restroom, it will enhance their ambiance. Starbucks is located next to the restrooms in this Safeway. ewww!

Womens Restroom

Interview:

Females: Peggy
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom was very clean, it looked like that the janitors just came out of the female’s bathroom.

Mens Restroom

interview:

Males: Steve
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: I noticed after the store staff came out of the bathroom there were paper towels next to the trash can.

Safeway Lancaster Drive N.E

Restroom Entry: You will find this restroom in the back of the store next to the pharmacy. Change your Depends while you wait for your prescription.

Mens Restroom

Interview:

Males: Fred
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom looked really dirty again.

Womens Restroom

Interview:
Females: Nikki
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom seemed fairly clean.

Walmart Lancaster Drive N.E. (ewww!)

Mens Restroom

Interview:

Males: Alfonzo
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: They looked very disgusting, because there was toilet paper everywhere, and urine all over the floor and urinals.

Womens Restroom

Interview:
Females: Catalina
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom was fairly clean, expect for one of the stalls, there was toilet paper on the floor.

Fred Meyer Market Street N.E.

Lobby: To find this restroom act like a rat in a maze, just follow the smell.

Mens Restroom

Interview:

Males: Mike
1) Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom was really gross and there was toilet paper and paper towels all over the floor.

Womens Restroom

Interview:

Females: Sharri
1) Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom was not the cleanest store bathroom that I have seen. I think that the store staff is not doing their jobs.

Food 4 less LancasterDrive N.E. (double ewwww!!!)

Lobby: Enter at your own risk, caution: slippery when wet (its always wet and that ain't water on the floor)

Restroom Entry

Mens Restroom

Interview:

Males: Pedro
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom were very disgusting looking and it looked like that it could become a hazard if someone didn’t take care of them.

Womens Restroom

Interview:

Females: Juanita
1)Q: What do you think of the bathrooms here?
A: The bathroom was gross and I never want to go in there again because I almost slipped on the floor because there was some kind of liquid there.

In conclusion, now you know why when you pull into a grocery store parking lot and it smells like urine and other foul smells, it may be that someone has made the choice that the parking lot was a better place to relieved themselves than the store's restroom-so watch where you step, those puddles may not be from the rain.

1. Hawthorne Bridge Underpass (west side)

This is a very busy underpass, the busiest one that I visited. There are runners, walkers, families, and bums traveling under thins place. My interviewing skills didn't help me to get a single person to stop what they were doing to talk to me. Many people had iPods in running, and I didn't feel like talking to any of the homeless, who looked like they were sleeping or already talking with other people.

2. I405 Underpass, Corbet Ave. (west side)

The only thing this underpass gets is vehicles. NO foot traffic whatsoever. A cool place to do graffiti, although there is none to be found. I knew about this place because to get to my friend's house, getting off the streetcar requires that I walk under this bridge. I believe the bridge going over the underpass is the beginning of Naito Parkway.

3. US99 to US 26 junction (west side)

Of all the underpasses, this is my favorite. It is a underpass I go under to get to a 7-11 by my girlfriends house.

Interview

Me- Do you have any good stories about this underpass?

(end)

4. Across the street from number 3.

It's approximately 1 am and I am drunk. So are the two guys I run into. I am heading to 7-11 and they have bags full of assorted shit.

Me- Hey!

Me- fine.

So that interview didn't go so well, but I really think had I not said serial killer or tried to talk to them about a scary ass part of an underpass it could have happened. I would bet that if i had talked to them on the other side of the street they would have had no problem talking to me. Its weird how much different the other sides of underpasses are, even if they are only crossing a street.

5. Steel Bridge Underpass (west side)

There is construction going on all around this underpass and it is really noisy with all the cars going over it. There is a parking lot adjacent to the under pass with a few cars in it. At about 8:13 PM, this place is not poppin' off. Business types hurrying to their cars because they are either late or see me being kinda sketchy under the bridge. I think that being under a bridge is sort of like having tattoos or being black, people for no reason are intimidated to talk to you.

There are many empty grassy lots in Portland, Or. These are some that I want to talk about.

Many of you may already be familiar with this lot. North Fremont & Mississippi, one of my favorite lots in Portland. When I showed up there were some people playing frisbee that lived next door to the lot. They told me that it was sited for development - another apt. building going up.

I feel like I am in a park when I am here.

I start to think of the idea of public vs. private and how empty spaces are reserved for different things. I could not help but wanting to look around at what bordered the lots in considering their identity. There used to be houses here. I found out from a reliable source that they were torn down about 7 years ago. Now only the stairways are evident.

This tree in the lot had ivy and holly growing on it.

Lots of things are growing in this lot - mostly weeds, some blackberry and dandelion.
I found a couple of daffodils and was fond of this one.

I suppose they are really not that empty.

My classmate Valentine recommended this one. It is next to a North I-405 on ramp on North Fargo & Kerby. It looks like the neighborhood was divided by the freeway or by the bridge. The side walk ends here.

Here is a house that borders the non I-405 side. I keep thinking about progress and how sometimes people think things get in the way, like houses. At one point in time there was a proposition for a freeway to go through SE, up Clinton and Division to Mt.Hood. It is strange to think about it being there.

This is at 1825 SE Franklin next to Powell Blvd. It is kind of hard to get to and only visible by Powell.

It looks like someone's backyard but it is behind an industrial building. It borders the train tracks. I find with a lot of the grassy lots that I find, they occur in areas that have been divided by industry - the railroad, freeway, development. Their absence reminds me of the fact that they can be filled with something at any time. I wonder how people decide to value empty space and the events than can occur in them vs. the object that visibly states its importance.

This is one on 25th & Cora near Holgate. It might be owned by the house next door but I did notice that the yards of both houses that border it were very well kept where the lot was quite overgrown. I really like the overgrown quality.

There was a strange mound of dirt in the middle that grass and weeds had started to grown over. I like how plants take over when left alone.

This is in St.Johns at North Edison & Charleston. These are reminents from a house and a garage.

This is the inside of the lot. It was shaped like an "L." Houses bordering it.

This lot is on 22nd & Powell. I live near by it and some friends and I started a garden in this lot.

Here is a closer shot of the garden

If you are interested in this garden and gardening, I am looking for people who want to particpate in a collaborative garden project. Also if you are interested in empty grassy lots in general, you can contact me and we can talk about it.

Emily

emptygrassylots@gmail.com

Portland abounds with musicians, from wee children and full-grown adults about to start playing their first non-corporeal sound maker at home to world-famous touring musicians who make a rather fine living with their passion for sound. Anyone with a creative and functioning mind knows that the place to find and purchase gear is at one of the many fine locally owned shops in town that sell new gear, or buy or trade used gear. No trip to Guitar Center, no online ordering from Musician’s Friend or other catalogs will do for the true musician. The experience of entering the magical realm of the local music instrument shop is comparable to an indie-Disneyland of noise. The friendly and knowledgeable staff, and the rare gems of sound-producing or sound-tweaking apparatus you will encounter and be encouraged to play yourself beats pretty much all else in the music instrument dealing world.

Part of the intent of this review was to compare the monetary offerings for a guitar - a 1995 issue Hamer Slammer Series Les Paul knock-off - so the reader would glean some information about where to sell ‘gear’ if finances were getting tight. I brought this guitar into two shops, but I realized the original monetary value went way down in resale for a pretty cool sounding electric guitar (purchased at a locally owned shop in southern Los Angeles), and won’t emphasize this aspect in the reviews below.

The shops I reviewed are based on recommendations by musician friends. As only an amateur musician, and certainly no ‘gear-head,’ this reviewer has embarked on a journey with the hope of informing those interested of the finest shops we have in town that deal with new and used musical gear transactions.

*Note: Wank tanks (delightful term coined by TradeUp NE) are the soundproof chambers, provided the wanker remembers to shut the door, in which you can jam out at high volume with your instrument, or to have some privacy if you’re insecure about playing within earshot of others.

Now get yourself out there and play and visit and support your locally owned musical gear shops!

TradeUp Northeast
Buy, Sell, Trade, and Consigns New and Used Instruments
1834 NE Alberta Street
503.335.8800
Open 11am – 7pm everyday
tradeupmusic.com
myspace.com/tradeupmusic
Specialty: Guitars, drums, percussion, all sorts of parts and accessories, keyboards, amps, PA equipment
Wank tank: The absolute best in town. Wank your heart out!
Repairs: Guitars only
Lessons: Yes, indeed

This store is the younger sister and across-town harbor of all the goodies from the other TradeUp on SE Division. The recent remodeling and spaciousness of the shop, along with a loft and a pleasing mossy green, full-windowed and naturally lit interior make this the most aesthetically pleasing of the reviewed shops. This makes sense for the increasingly gentrified locale of NE Alberta Street. However, there’s no dissing the store with this observation – sonic artists can be visual artists as well! Unlike some other music shops in town, TradeUp NE doesn’t look like the dingy basement or warehouse space one might often be used to playing their instruments in. There’s a Zen quality to this space conducive to just marvel at what lies on the floor or wall and makes one feel comfortable to just pick up something and make some noise.

TradeUp NE is one of the friendliest and most accommodating of shops. You will notice this upon entering with a sign that reads: UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL BE GIVEN AN ESPRESSO AND A FREE PUPPY. That pretty much sums up the vibe of this store. The manager, Nathan Jr., who works eight days a week, knows his stuff, and his staff is equally kind, approachable and knowledgeable. Because Nathan Jr. is such a genius, he thoroughly inspected my guitar and appraised it’s value at a little less than what Old Town Music would offer – so if you’re gonna sell your guitar, you might want to see what Old Town Music will offer you for it.

The current rare gem here, according to Nathan Jr., was a 1st year 1988 Eric Clapton signature rare red-colored Fender Stratocaster for sale at $1350. The most expensive item in the shop is a super groovy Ludwig Jellybean Quadraplus Vista Lite drum set valued at $1750.

I had the pleasure of interviewing a friend and regular visitor to TradeUp NE named Vince (known to the ladies as “Vincent”). He got his Gibson Les Paul stolen from him and comes to the shop frequently to jam on the 1994 reissue of a 1960 Les Paul with the cherry sunburst finish and all. I asked him what he likes about TradeUp, and this is what Vince had to say:

“Nice people. Nice atmosphere. Relaxin’. You come in and pick up an instrument, you wanna try it, they let you do so. Amps. No hassles. You see what you can do with an instrument. They give you time and the place to do it.”

In all, this is my favorite shop to visit, but I’m probably biased because I’m friends with some of the kind folks who work and visit there and have spent much more time there than any of the others to be reviewed below. TradeUp Northeast truly rocks! Check it out if you haven’t already.

Centaur Guitar
Buy, Sell, Trade New and Used Instruments
2827 NE Sandy
503.236.8711
Open 10am to 7pm everyday
info@centaurguitar.com
Specialty: Fills an “odd ball” niche, many unique vintage guitars, a few moogs, rock ‘n’ roll button-pins, iron-on patches, magazines, effects pedals, parts, strings, and accessories
Wank tank: Nope. No privacy while you or others are wanking.
Repairs: Guitars, some amps, some effects pedals

This shop is a rare gem in itself. Centaur Guitar claims to be “The Nation’s Smallest Guitar Store” and “Defender of the Little Guy.” The co-owner, Kelly Manahan, no little guy himself, is a very kind soul with a high-capacity cranium crammed with all sorts of knowledge of obscure vintage and modern guitars and beyond. The space is small, but vastly unique in its offerings. Beyond rare musical gear, Centaur Guitar also offers cool rock’n’roll buttons, bitchin’ iron-on patches, magazines (since the space used to be shared with a magazine shop), records, songbooks, and vintage posters.

Kelly truly knows his shit, and will gladly take the time to show-and-tell you his favorite guitars, some of the most unique in town. One of the rare gems within this rare gem is a beautiful Italian Gabanelli accordion, valued at $2895. Yes, this is an “odd ball” niche, indeed, and it was such a delight to see this unique gorgeous intricately rhinestone-clad accordion with my own eyes. The pleasure and interest with which Kelly presented this precious instrument and probably ten or so of his favorite guitars was further evidence of this man’s passion for all sorts of music and instruments.

If you have not yet visited Centaur Guitar, get your butt over there and check out the one-of-a-kind offerings and hopefully Mr. Kelly Manahan will be there to tell you all about his instrumental passions and the awesome collection of guitars he maintains and displays. Go to Centaur Guitar, without delay!

Old Town Music
Buy, Sell, Trade New and Used Instruments
40 SW 3rd Avenue
Open 11am to 6pm everyday
503.295.6808
myspace.com/oldtownmusic
Specialty: New, used and vintage guitars, amps, and effects pedals. Lindy Fralin pickups in stock, new and hard to find N.O.S. tubes.
Wank tank: Intimate like a large phone booth. Funky posters on the wall and a five-minute time limit (which probably isn’t enforced, unless they’re busy or you really suck).
Repairs: Guitars, amps and keyboards
Lessons: Call or visit to find out

Old Town Music gets mega major kudos right off the bat for welcoming a friend and me after they had closed up the shop for the evening. We brought in an old Pig-nose amp and my Hamer Slammer guitar, and the kind and knowledgeable Hank Failing (of local indie label Failing Records) was generous with his after-hours time in appraising my guitar and informing us that they don’t repair solid-state amps, as well as answering my myriad queries about what the store is all about. This shop is tiny in comparison, but boasts of the largest selection of effects pedals on the entire west coast!!!

Though the space is small, framed original vintage concert posters are displayed above the precious guitars hanging on the wall. This is the sort of treat that makes one realize the passion music shop owners possess – like a music museum that you’re encouraged to be a part of. You don’t just look and marvel, you grab what you want to, and you try it out in the wank tank in the back.

Definitely go to Old Town Music and check out their precious variety of guitars, amplifiers, and effects pedals. And by the way, I have a guitar effects-crazy friend who buys pedals from Guitar Center or Musician’s Friend for the supposed “price break,” but Hank informed me that not only do they probably have the largest selection of new and vintage effects pedals on the west coast, Old Town Music basically offers the same new stock and matches the price that the mega-stores offer. If you want a vintage or brand-new effect pedal, nevermind the national chain stores and just get yourself down to SW 2nd and go home with your favorite new noise-making toys!

Portland Music Company - Southeast
Buy, Sell, Trade New and Used Instruments
503 SE Martin Luther King, Jr.
503.226.3719
portlandmusiccomany.com
myspace.com/portlandmusiccompany
Open 11am – 7pm everyday
Specialty: Guitars, basses, and parts, drums, percussion, PA equipment, digital recording and classes and all sorts of accessories
Wank tank: Two clean spacious tanks
Repairs: Brass and woodwind instruments at the NE Broadway store
Lessons: Guitar, bass, keyboard, drum, recording software classes

This is the ‘superstore’ of the six stores locally owned by Portland Music Company, established in 1927. And what a super store it is. Kind and knowledgeable staff are always accommodating to any question or odd request you may have. I wanted to take a photo of a Gretsch guitar-shipping box, and a staff member recommended I take the box outside to make use of the natural lighting. Another staff member, I think his name was Eric, pointed out several aspects of the store that I probably would have otherwise not noticed – like the very modern recording software classroom attached to the keyboard room. Yes, a unique factor of this store is that they offer music recording software classes.

This was the first time this reviewer visited this shop, and I was graciously shown the finest instruments and niches and unique offerings. There is a prominent stage within this spacious store that hosts little clinics and the springtime Rose Festival “Battle of the Bands.” How cool is that?

This store was quite spacious, and had a really cool display of vintage microphones in a wooden hutch. There was also a nice set up of vintage amps in one of the corners above one of the wank tanks. An interesting observation was that I noticed that they had the Sex Pistols playing through one of the large amps. In most other stores, except Apple Row Music, the only “music” you hear is the cacophony of several people playing different instruments around the shop.

This is a superstore indeed, with other locations throughout the greater Portland area. Go to their website at portlandmusiccompany.com to get more information.

Apple Music Row
Buy, Sell, Trade, and Rents New and Used Instruments
225 SW First Avenue
503.226.0036
applemusicRow.com
Open Monday – Saturday 10:30am to 6:30pm, Sunday 1 to 5pm
Specialty: Higher-end quality music and gear. And just about everything else.
Wank tank: Two tanks in main shop, one each in the drum and acoustic guitar shop
Repairs: Guitars and most string instruments
Lessons: Guitar, bass, references to drum instructors

This is one hell of a store. I had never been here before. I walked through the door, and though I was initially offered an atypical cold-eyed, “greater than thou” look (no hard feelings – I was holding a clipboard and a camera and I probably would be wondering what the hell I was doing were I in the same situation) by one of the workers at the counter, I found myself in a wonderland of musical instruments and greeted kindly by a knowledgeable man named Brett.

The upper quarter of the walls is adorned with not-for-sale collectible guitars. Wow! A 1964 Lefty Gretsch, a 1965 Mostrite and a 1967 Velino, among countless others. You can look, but you can’t touch. And this just emphasizes the seriousness and protectiveness the ownership takes with their precious jewels.

As I walked through the massive expanse of the store, taking photographs, the manager dryly questioned me about where this review would be posted. At first I thought this was an unfriendly man, but, I realized that he is understandably quite protective of the store he manages, and after a series of back and forth questions, store manager Chuck Johnson was very kind in showing me the rarest of rare handmade guitars in the shop, if not the world, worth $50.000. He even allowed me to step behind the counter to take close-up photos of the abalone, gold, etc. inlay on this guitar. Wow. Thanks, Chuck!

Apple Music Row is three stores. One is the mega-store, and then two neighbors that deal exclusively in drums and acoustic guitars and other stringed instruments. Everyone I encountered was kind and knowledgeable and obviously proud of their shop.

Again, the overriding sound here was some AC/DC playing through a speaker. No cacophony here. It seemed like a slow time to visit, and people playing instruments were tucked away in the spacious wank tanks.

Go to Apple Music Row for no other reason than to check out their amazing museum-quality guitar collection hanging high upon the walls. (You won’t be able to see them that well, but they’re there.) Their staff is informed and if you’re not holding a clipboard and a camera taking photos, they will be kind and help you with anything you may need.

TradeUp Northeast
Buy, Sell, Trade, Consigns New and Used Instruments.
4701 SE Division
503.236.8800
tradeupmusic.com
myspace.com/tradeupmusic
Open 11am – 7pm everyday
Specialty: Guitars and parts, keyboards, drums, percussion and all sorts of accessories
Wank tank: Nope. You’re wankin’ in public here, my friends.
Repairs: Guitars only
Offers lessons

This is the flagship store of the local TradeUp enterprise. The staff is just as kind and knowledgable as their Northeast counterpart, as reviewed above. This shop is smaller than the NE store, but still is a warehouse of unique musical instruments.

….

All in all, go and visit any one of these music instrument shops. The people are kind. The customers dig what the stores offer. And if you have no money or gear to sell, just stop on in and marvel at the museum-quality guitars and amps that you would otherwise never have the chance to play. Have fun!

Hello Kitty's Print Club
located inside Small World Surprises
Cedar Hills Crossing Mall, 3205 SW Cedar Hills Blvd, Beaverton

Some years back Cedar Hills Crossing was an abysmal mall. Most of the shops, excepting maybe a GNC vitamin store and an ever-vacant nail salon, were closed and drywalled over with space rental advertisements. In more recent days, larger stores have glommed onto the outside structure of the mall strip, such as Old Navy, Best Buy, the Mac store, and in the past year Powell's Books. But the interior mall carries still that unsettling air of disuse. The only cheery outlet is Small World Surprises, a small store specializing in Sanrio product and home to Hello Kitty's Print Club.

For $3, Hello Kitty (who has no mouth) voice prompts you to pick one of 35 different frames ranging from Badtz-Maru, Keroppi, Little Twin Stars, and other classic Sanrio icons. There is also the option to choose no frame at all, but my guess is that if you're in Small World Surprises, you're not one to opt out of having your sticky portrait edged with chubbed hamsters with pink tulips on their heads. Kawaii! You get three tries at the perfect picture and after each attempt have the option of approving or taking another. Note: Anyone 5' 4" and under may have a problem getting into the frame. I had to tiptoe into view.

Mark, the owner and a fairly tall, graying man wearing a supercute Pochacco apron, was bummed my pictures weren't all they could be and that I didn't ask for the stepstool I didn't know was kept in the storeroom. So feel free to ask for it prior to inserting your cash. Also once you receive your sheet of sticker photos, you can jumpstart your photo distribution by electing to nab one on the "Wall of Fame" (which is essentially anywhere on the photobooth machine) though be warned, Mark scrapes them off when it "gets to be too much."

cost/method of payment: $3 / one dollar bills
unit: 16 mini stickers, color
print time: less than 1 min.
rating: 2 shutter clicks

Ace Hotel Photobooth
located in front lobby of Ace Hotel
1022 SW Stark

This photobooth is a new arrival to Portland with the recent opening of the Seattle-based Ace Hotel. Since the one at Red Light fell into disrepair and Newberry's closed down, it's the last unicorn of photobooths. Totally perfect. Classic black & white photostrips with super high contrast; not to mention it resides in a hotel lobby which translates to 24-hour access!

Hands down it's the best one I've ever been in, pristinely maintained and the pictures are crystal clear. Adjustable seat. No scratched or dirty lenses. No strange internal machine whirs and clicks that get you fretting your pix won't turn out just so. And you can grab a coffee/tea at the new Stumptown adjoining the lobby while you wait for things to develop. Behind the front desk too is a growing gallery of photostrips of employees.

It's hard. I adore the photobooth aesthetic but I'm not so good at taking pictures. Most of my friends are seasoned photobooth veterans, often hands confidently forward and up to display "Peace!" or "Westside." I panic and fumble. A 4-segment strip will find me meandering between poses or doing motion-y things that don't translate to still photos (see below). Look, she's hitchhiking...in a photobooth (frame 4). Look, she's spinning in her chair (frame 2). With a few more duckets though and a better strategy in tow, I think I could shoot for four consecutive wins.

cost / method of payment: $3 / one dollar bills
unit: 4 pictures to 1 vertical strip, b&w
print time: 3 1/2 min. (approx.)
rating: 5 shutter clicks BEST RATING!

Oaks Park Polaroid Photobooth
Oaks Park Roller Rink
7805 Oaks Park Way

Next stop: Welcome to Oaks Park, which boasts the largest roller rink in the Northwest and where I visited Portland's only remaining Polaroid Photobooth (Red Cap used to have one, but in the last year it's disappeared). I fucking love Oaks Park. When it's completely empty it's totally beautiful and eerie and when it's in full swing it's totally beautiful and fun and the elephant ears smell so compelling and doughy. For now, owls live in the carousel and the Tilt-A-Whirl is unlit and minus its whirl, but that's its own brand of magic.

This photobooth is good for those who crack under pose pressure because you can take a little more time between snaps to collect your wits. You push a button when you're ready for your picture and a nice male voice soothingly counts down the remaining seconds. The seat is non-adjustable being just a bench, but I didn't have any height problems this time round. Getting the machine to take my bills was a pain, but then it turned out I just needed George Washington to turn the other cheek so try flipping it if at first the bills keep spitting back.

Reading tone in text messages and emails is hard, but what do you make of this sign? Is it a challenge or encouragement?

The picture is dispensed immediately after your "shoot" but as with most Polaroids the image develops in your hand. Is it true shaking Polaroids does nothing to speed up the process? I heard that somewhere and have since started holding the developing side against my stomach (over my shirt) instead. I took my pictures and saw that on my strip the secret message "This One's Going in the Yearbook." Initially I thought it would appear overtop my pictures and was pretty excited, but when the image began to develop the words faded back to nothing. You know, magic. After my pictures, I watched three afternoon skaters for a little while under the scattered lights. There was an older woman with white leggings working the middle of the rink who blew my mind.

cost / method of payment: $3 / one dollar bills
unit: 4 pictures / 1 4-square strip, color
print time: under 1 min.
rating: 4 shutter clicks

Portrait to Anywhere Photobooth
first level by the ice rink and Mrs. Field's Cookies, Lloyd Center
2201 Lloyd Center

The digital photobooths at the mall are pretty shitty but sometimes you gotta work with what's immediately in front of you. I figured I would test the waters and see whether or what they delivered. I was seduced by the slick slogan:

Gee, where do I want to be? You can choose to travel the US or go international for your framing options. Do you want to see the Eiffel Tower? The Roman Coliseum, perhaps? There is a holiday menu also with Halloween webby designs and squiggle-fonts for Father's Day. You can elect to have no frame at all, but then where's the fun in that I'd have to ask. You get four pictures then pick your favorite at the end. A bummer or advantage depending on how public a persona you are: the entire process that shows on your screen inside the booth is shown on the two screens outside of the booth as well. I had a tense moment when some rowdy teens walked past while I was readying my pose amid the dry deserts of Egypt.

Overall, I was a bit surprised at the end product which was simply a printout of a sketched background of the Sphinx over top the Great Pyramids.

cost: $3 / VISA, MC, AMEX, one dollar bills
unit: 1 picture / 1 8" x 10" printout on white paper, color, b&w
print time: under 1 min.
rating: 1 shutter click

FotoFun Photobooth
first level beside ice rink and Mrs. Field's Cookies, Lloyd Center
2201 Lloyd Center

This ranks lowest in my photobooth retinue. Fotofun offers several frames to select from with varying slogans such as 90% Angel or USA (and a waving flag). It is digital and also has the two screens outside. Is this to prevent making out in photobooths? Rough image quality and bad lighting. It takes four pictures of you and prints them sequentially. After your photos are complete, a male voice tells you you've done a good job (so relax). I really don't see myself using this machine ever again, thought the voice also mentions the incentive that the backgrounds are always changing, I will say that Fotofun does bring forward a pretty innovative concept in that it prints doubles. I think the entire photobooth community could learn a little something from the Fotofun booth. Perforated down the middle, it prints two identical strips for easy-tear share. Extra kudos for that one leap forward.

cost: $3 / VISA, MC, AMEX, one dollar bills
unit: 4 pictures / 2 identical strips, perforated, color, b&w
print time: under 1 min.
rating: 2 shutter clicks

Lastly, one should also be on the lookout for the Rose Festival and its troop of visiting non-digital strip photobooths. These are great but a little rickety and at times the strips will come out with anomalies of light streaks or cracks. Personally I think that just adds to the look. There are color booths that print 2 frames while the b&w booths print the standard 4. Some of the machines are equipped with pull-out wooden boards with painted old script that says things like "Lovers" or headless swimsuit-clad bodies you place your head over. A tokenmaster converts your hard-earned cash (4 bones) into the tokens you need and will refund your cost if the pictures come out torn (which does happen).

Much love.
Happy photoboothing!
-Jae

The following is a study of site-specific bodies of water, and an attempted construction of their livlihoods and causes. Dimensions are provided where available and may differ with climate changes.

4322 N Overlook Boulevard

This unique puddle is caused by the seam between two different types of street pavement, concrete and asphalt. The asphalt sits higher than the concrete, and water flows toward the concrete corner, which is sloped upward, creating a still depression for water to gather in. The amount of moss growing on the curb indicates that this is a year-round moist spot, with the capacity to sustain select forms of plant life.

Parking Lot N Williams and N Skidmore

Located on the property of the First A.M.E. Zion Church, this large puddle measures 1’11” deep, 20 feet across, and 33’1” long. The surface of the asphalt under the puddle slopes down toward a non-functioning drain. The property may utilize a nonfunctioning sump pump instead of being connected to the city sewers.

3811 N Mississippi

This puddle covers a Portland City Water Meter medallion. The lines drawn in the pavement around it emphasize the depth the metal and concrete medallion has sunk. Water gathers in the depression on wet days only, leaving the spot dry the rest of the year. The blue streak spray-painted on the medallion and sidewalk serves as an indicator for city employees who at some point needed to mark the direction of the pipes underground. A bus ticket rests in the spot, and the grooves of the medallion are filled with dirt, as there are no outlets aside from evaporation.

Park bordering the Martin Luther King Jr., Neighborhood Facility and the Martin Luther King, Jr. Elementary School, NE 6th and Humbolt

Swing sets require a soft, unpaved ground safe for children to fall on. Woodchips and mulch are utilized here to ensure proper drainage as well as safety, but in this case the covering has been pushed away by swinging feet and water has filled the gaps. According to playground patrons, new woodchips are brought in to even the ground on a regular basis, about every eight months, at which time the puddles presumably disappear. The popularity of these two particular swings means that the solid ground below the safety covering has sustained a permanant groove, making it easier for the depressions to form even after fresh covering is applied. The puddle on your right measures 1.35" deep, 42.5" across, and 23" long, and the one your left measures 1" deep, 48" across, and 39.6" long.

1737 N Skidmore

This is a typical driveway puddle, caused by the unrepaired gap between the street asphalt and the concrete driveway curb. It has a multi-colored newspaper flier floating on top. The stillness of the water and the quiet of the day keep the paper from sinking, but a variety of dark brown plant matter is visible on the ground underneath. From this angle, you can also see decaying leaves in the street and on the driveway on either side of the puddle. The size of the puddle and the amount of decaying matter in it and nearby are good indications that this puddle is usually present.

Intersection NE 10th and Going

This is a spot where water has gathered because of the irregularity in the pavement. Most likely the error occurred while a pre-existing pothole was being patched. The asphalt patching was not given enough time to settle, and dried in its current warped state. The water collected here is not necessarily interconnected, as the banks of the individual pools are high enough to keep the water divided. Todd Johnson has compared the shape of this puddle to that of a yin and yang.

4916-4926 NE 10th

This long curb puddle continues the length of a new complex of connected housing. The customary high slope in the center of the street encourages water to run towards the storm drains on the curb. On this side of the block, the trees along the curb have created a greater slope by raising the pavement with their roots, and the sidewalk has been relaid without compensating for the greater depth of the gutter. Cars have parked over the collected water, and a black plastic bag as well as decaying plant matter and bits of trash have sunk in the puddle.

Center of the Street, NE 13th and Thompson

This puddle was found for me by Michael Russell (thank you). It is located between a series of cracks on concrete street pavement. Concrete pavement is textured with rocks and pebbles of assorted sizes, which in this case form the borders of an irregular deep hole. The wide crack filled with puddle is very deep, and reveals several layers of broken concrete pavement. The water which runs along the length of the street’s cracks to the gutters and sewers during rain remains here in the slightly raised center of the street, and as this puddle can sustain plant life it is likely wet most of the year.

Northwestern Bank of Elk Rock Island, Milwaukie

Here is a classic natural puddle, caused by marshy saturated land. Contrary to urban puddles, which support life in a concrete and asphalt landscapes, plants grow here despite the puddle which drowns them in the wet seasons.

Unthank Park Basketball Court

This puddle joins the saturated earth and grass with the smooth court, creating a marsh that melds with the pavement. Court puddles are common, usually caused by the court pavement adjusting to the irregular surface of the ground below, and may be exacerbated by the constant presence of water.

Elk Rock Island Land Bridge, Milwaukie

Tiny pebbles line the bottom of this even, round hole. The surface of the rock around the edges of the hole is wet, indicating that the puddle has a set capacity to hold water and often overflows. The hole is manmade, and was designed to hold a now absent pole and sign.

Corner of N Interstate and Multnomah

This puddle covers a sunken area of asphalt, which reveals the inconsistent surface of the ground below. It is filled with pebbles and bits of rock, which have been pushed in by the constant traffic at this busy intersection. The surface of the water is oily, a further sign of nearby industry. A fresh green grass grows from the center, and plant life as likely been developing in this puddle for some time, as its great depth provides for moisture most of the year.

Food Challenge No. 1 - Voodoo Donut - THE TEX-ASS DONUT

My first food challenge attempt took place at Voodoo Donut located on 22 SW 3rd AVE. The TEX-ASS challenge involves eating a gigantic, circular, old fashioned donut in under eighty seconds. With only the aid of a Dixie cup of water, its harder then it looks.

Challenge Result - Failure

A novice up and comer to the world of food challenges, I was cocky and overconfident. Quite simply, I bit off more then I could chew. Having lost valuable time as a result of my glutinous ego, my fate was sealed. For those considering the challenge I would suggest making use of the water provided immediately. Also take into consideration how often you swallow. Chewing like a duck is the Tao of Gluttony.

Food Challenge No. 2 - Hum Dinger - Mikshake Challenge

My next challenge took place at Hum Dinger, located at 8250 SW Barbur Blvd. The milkshake challenge involves downing 33 oz of shake in under a minute. If one completes the challenge successfully. The winner receives double their money back. The challenge is hosted (out of pocket) by Carl; a longtime employee. The milkshake lore is as follows. After a Wilson High School student bet Carl he could down a large shake in under a minute, the challenge was born. I myself was tired and had not eaten anything all day. But I felt destiny was on my side. It was time to "shake it up" in a way Ric Ocasek could never imagine.

Challenge Result - Failure

Unfortunately the milkshake gods didn’t smile upon me. More then the brain freeze was my stomachs unwillingness to cooperate with my desire for ultra-shake intake. I simply couldn’t process the intense amount of cold surgery ice cream necessary to emerge victorious.

Food Challenge No. 3 - Hum Dinger - Two Pieces of Sour Dough Bread

In order to avenge my failure at downing 33 oz of shake, I attempted to eat two large pieces of sour dough bread in under a minute. I assumed this challenge would be relatively easy and having suffered another blow to my ego, I was hungry for victory.

Challenge Result - Failure

Things began well enough with the first piece of bread. But things quickly became grim when my body began to spasm involuntarily. After several bites into the second piece of bread, my stomach started making noises reminiscent of a sick dying animal. I knew then It was game over man, game over. I retreated to the parking lot where my boyish milkshake dreams gave way to the hot sick regurgitations of maturity.

Food Challenge No. 4 - Hum Dinger - Eat Six Saltines

At some point after recovering from post-traumatic shake induced shock. I began entertaining the idea that food challenges were somehow an evolved state of human digestion; reserved only for those elite within society. There was one challenge left. The gig; eat six saltines in under a minute. Failure was not an option. It was time to transcend to the next.

Challenge Result - Success

I am immortal. I also got my shake money back, which is bragable.

If you love to use Pay-phones dont go past W 21st or E 121st, thats my advice.

THIS MONTH’S WINNER

Inserstate Firehouse Cultural Center
N Interstate at Emerson

AVERAGE SCORE 7.0 out of 10.0
Seating: 4.5
Lobby Hospitality: 8.0
Wheelchair Access: 9.5
Temperature: 7.5
Stage Lighting: 6.0
Bathrooms: 5.5

This charming theater in the heart of north Portland is home to some of the finest actors in the city; including: the Third Rail Theatre Company, with members such as Michael O’Connell, Tim True, and Valerie Stevens. This experienced group of actors really sets the bar for performers in Portland. Take some time to check them out when their new season starts again.

THE OTHER GUYS

Lincoln Hall: Studio Theater
SW Park at Market

AVERAGE SCORE 6.0 out of 10.0
Seating: 5.5
Lobby Hospitality: 7.5
Wheelchair Access: 2.5
Temperature: 9.0
Stage Lighting: 5.5
Bathrooms: 4.0

Portland Actors Conservatory
SW 14th at Montgomery

AVERAGE SCORE 5.0 out of 10.0
Seating: 3.5
Lobby Hospitality: 2.5
Wheelchair Access: 5.0
Temperature: 7.5
Stage Lighting: 5.0
Bathrooms: 5.0

West End Theater
SW 12th at Taylor

AVERAGE SCORE 4.0 out of 10.0
Seating: 5.0
Lobby Hospitality: 9.0
Wheelchair Access: 0.0
Temperature: 1.5
Stage Lighting: 4.5
Bathrooms: 3.5

PSU Mainstage at Lincoln Hall
SW Park at Market

AVERAGE SCORE 6.0 out of 10.0
Seating: 8.5
Lobby Hospitality: 2.5
Wheelchair Access: 5.0
Temperature: 9.0
Stage Lighting: 8.0
Bathrooms: 4.0

UPCOMING SHOWS!

Interstate Firehouse Cultural Center:
Fishbowl Catharsis
March 24, 31, & April 7 @ 10:30pm
Ten sketches of bizarre and clever comedy!
Tickets $6.00 at the door

West End Theater:
High School Musical
May 4 - 27 Fri/Sat @ 7pm, Sun @ 2pm
The rigid walls of high school social cliques come tumbling down!
Tickets $20 adult, $16 youth

PSU Mainstage at Lincoln Hall:
Vinegar Tom
May 24 – June 2 Fri/Sat @ 7:30pm,
Sun @ 2pm
Witches, spirits, and apparitions, oh my!
Tickets $9.50, students $4

Portland Actors Conservatory:
The Mail Order Bride
April 11 - 29
Do you think it’s okay to buy a bride, wouldn’t it be better to rent?

Lincoln Hall Studio Theater:
Movement Performances
Date: TBA
Cost: Free!

About the artist:
Alex Hetlinger has been studying, practicing, and performing art in the Portland area since 2004. He is currently attending Portland State University as a Fine and Performing Arts major, but is moving to Albuquerque and transferring to University of New Mexico to continue his work in a warmer, sunnier climate.

If you would like to contact Alex for questions about upcoming or past projects please email him:

AlexandersArtBox@yahoo.com

Thank you everyone, and see you next month!

POINTY CORNERS AND ODD INTERSECTIONS

Pointy corners occur when ever more than two streets meet. They provide special opportunities for quirky architecture, and unusual vantage points. The intersections where they live can present special challenges or danger for all involved.

I have taken a look at several such places in my neighborhood. Here I will compare and note some special features of a few pointy cornered intersections that are similar in that they all have traffic signals. All assessments are from a pedestrian point of view.

20th, Hawthorne, and Elliot

Round Robin Time: 3minutes 12seconds

Cozy Factor: Quite!

Interest: Really good, there are a lot of peds, and bikes to watch! I talked to "John" who was opening up Vincente's – a pizza restaurant at the NW corner of 20th and Hawthorne, and he echoed my feelings about the people watching potential at this intersection. He told me that he enjoyed hanging out at one of the picnic tables on the sidewalk there after work when the weather was nice, just to watch the chaos. He also offered an insight about Burnside, Sandy, and 12th……. See Johns insights in that section.

Danger: Pretty safe, probably because there are so many peds and bikes, and it is Hawthorne after all.

Special Features: The retro shop on the SE corner of Elliot and 20th is a great pointy corner building, it comes almost to a complete point and you can see all the way through it. Plus it has 1960 writ large over the door. Also there are a lot of little concrete "islands" in the road on the south side. One is completely round and has a pole in it!

Worst Feature: The 7-11 store on the SW corner of 20th and Hawthorne is awful! It not only doesn't make use of the point, it has a completely blank beige wall. It is supremely unwelcoming.

SE 12th, Ladd, and Hawthorne

Round Robin Time: 3minutes. You cant actually cross 12th on the north side so you have to back track.

Cozy Factor: Very un-cozy, I felt really kind of exposed and stupid standing there.

Interest: There is not much to look at the streets feel too wide, but if you have to spend the day here I recommend the SW corner of 12th and Hawthorne in front of the Burgerville as there is a bus stop there where I have encountered a small group of older Ukrainian women on more that one occasion. Standing at the NE corner looking towards town you can get a nice view of the sky, especially at dusk.

Danger: This seems safe enough on foot, but bicyclists should be especially careful crossing Hawthorne on 12th.

Special Features: There is a nice little wedge of grass between Ladd and 12th.

Worst Feature: Both north corners are basically parking lots, feels exposed and dirty.

SE Sandy, Stark, and 8th

Round Robin Time: 1minute and 55seconds

Cozy Factor: None, I felt really invisible standing there.

Interest: The best thing about this intersection is the Slammer at the SE corner of Stark and 8th. This building does make some use of its corner, but really is like a still photo of a ruin, I personally cant believe it is still standing, it has looked exactly as broken as it does now when I first saw it in the early 80's – go in an have a red beer!

Danger: As I said, I felt invisible standing there, I suggest you only visit this intersection sporting day glow reflective wear, or wearing a car.

Special Features: This intersection has the largest street to curb ratio of any I visited for this review.

Worst Feature: See above!

Burnside, Sandy, 12th

Round Robin Time: 7min 40 sec.

Cozy Factor: It is not too cozy, but it the feel varies widely from corner to corner.

Interest: All three eastern corners have bus stops, so there can be a lot of action! The corner between Sandy and Burnside is actually just a little concrete wedge with a covered bus stop on it. Getting on or off the bus here is a little like boarding/de-boarding a ship! As promised, John of Vincente's fame said that if you are in a car heading west on Burnside and make the light it feel really sci fi the way you head down the hill! I don't know for sure what he means by this, I don't know that I've ever made the light. This is prime real-estate for holding up a sign and asking people in cars for money. There is a small group (4 that I met) who share this spot, they say they tend to be pretty considerate about sharing.

Danger: This intersection is crazy! The signage and signal system is really confusing. The first day I went there to review I came upon a wreck. The guy who was waiting for the tow truck said the guy that hit him was confused about the signal and actually ran a red light. The cops were still there talking to a woman up by the bus stop, apparently a car ran over her toe while she was waiting (legally) on a little island for the walk sign. "Billy" one of the people that shares this spot for getting money, told me that he sees lots of accidents here. His theory is that people get impatient because it takes so long for the light to change, so they run red lights.

Special Features: As I mentioned above there is the little island bus stop, you can also see the 7up building from here. It kind of feels like 4 corners, I know its not exactly true, but it feels like the place where Portland is split into 4 sections.

Worst Feature: This would have to be the danger factor, with the long wait time a close second if you are in a hurry, but if you are not in a hurry there are always people around, and you can even people watch people in there cars as they sit at the light. May be you can read their lips to guess what they are singing along to.

Sandy, 39th, and Broadway

Round Robin Time: Forget about it it can't be done!

Cozy Factor: It is actually feeling pretty cozy right now, but this is likely because of all the "construction jewelry" and the fact that traffic is moving realllly slow.

Interest: The orange tiled Pagoda restaurant is beautiful to look at. It is also entertaining to watch the road work.

Danger: The good news is, if you get hit, the car will be moving very slowly, the bad news is, you might well get hit.

Special Features: Right now the best thing about this intersection is all the chaos!

Worst Feature: The chaos is really LOUD!

47th, Halsey, and Euclid

Round Robin Time: 58seconds

Cozy Factor: There is way to much tarmac to say it is cozy, but the pointy corner between 47th and Euclid (not pictured here) is beautiful, grass, big trees, it feels almost pastoral.

Interest: The street it self has a lot of great lines painted on it, there is also a weird yellow concrete thing shaped like a worm in the road, The arrangement of the stop signs is somehow witty.

Danger: You'll be fine here as long as you stop looking at that yellow thing in the street and watch where your going.

Special Features: When standing at this intersection if you look towards Euclid, and then look in any other direction you might believe you were in two completely different places at once!

Worst Feature: The apartment building on the NE corner of Halsey and 47th is too big and really ugly.

Chaos at Pointy Corners on Vimeo
You might want to lower the volume a little!