Food Challenges

Food Challenge No. 1 - Voodoo Donut - THE TEX-ASS DONUT

My first food challenge attempt took place at Voodoo Donut located on 22 SW 3rd AVE. The TEX-ASS challenge involves eating a gigantic, circular, old fashioned donut in under eighty seconds. With only the aid of a Dixie cup of water, its harder then it looks.

Challenge Result - Failure

A novice up and comer to the world of food challenges, I was cocky and overconfident. Quite simply, I bit off more then I could chew. Having lost valuable time as a result of my glutinous ego, my fate was sealed. For those considering the challenge I would suggest making use of the water provided immediately. Also take into consideration how often you swallow. Chewing like a duck is the Tao of Gluttony.

Food Challenge No. 2 - Hum Dinger - Mikshake Challenge

My next challenge took place at Hum Dinger, located at 8250 SW Barbur Blvd. The milkshake challenge involves downing 33 oz of shake in under a minute. If one completes the challenge successfully. The winner receives double their money back. The challenge is hosted (out of pocket) by Carl; a longtime employee. The milkshake lore is as follows. After a Wilson High School student bet Carl he could down a large shake in under a minute, the challenge was born. I myself was tired and had not eaten anything all day. But I felt destiny was on my side. It was time to "shake it up" in a way Ric Ocasek could never imagine.

Challenge Result - Failure

Unfortunately the milkshake gods didn’t smile upon me. More then the brain freeze was my stomachs unwillingness to cooperate with my desire for ultra-shake intake. I simply couldn’t process the intense amount of cold surgery ice cream necessary to emerge victorious.

Food Challenge No. 3 - Hum Dinger - Two Pieces of Sour Dough Bread

In order to avenge my failure at downing 33 oz of shake, I attempted to eat two large pieces of sour dough bread in under a minute. I assumed this challenge would be relatively easy and having suffered another blow to my ego, I was hungry for victory.

Challenge Result - Failure

Things began well enough with the first piece of bread. But things quickly became grim when my body began to spasm involuntarily. After several bites into the second piece of bread, my stomach started making noises reminiscent of a sick dying animal. I knew then It was game over man, game over. I retreated to the parking lot where my boyish milkshake dreams gave way to the hot sick regurgitations of maturity.

Food Challenge No. 4 - Hum Dinger - Eat Six Saltines

At some point after recovering from post-traumatic shake induced shock. I began entertaining the idea that food challenges were somehow an evolved state of human digestion; reserved only for those elite within society. There was one challenge left. The gig; eat six saltines in under a minute. Failure was not an option. It was time to transcend to the next.

Challenge Result - Success

I am immortal. I also got my shake money back, which is bragable.