Comments on: The Ultimate Friend Challenge

By: ericka

ericka — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 10:54:29 +0000

I just came across this old Captain Awkward post and actually came back here to link to it in comments. The situations are not equivalent but are fairly similar, and I think her advice complements (and sometimes contradicts) YT's advice in interesting and potentially useful ways.

By: Francois

Francois — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 06:32:05 +0000

I have been your friend, in the relationship that was interminable and abusive and alienated more than a few friendsm but also, plenty of them I just shut out. Because I was ashamed. Because it was too much to explain. The two or three friends that over the years just said “You know, I cannot watch you do this, it’s like watching someone stick a fork in a light socket repeatedly” or people who really loved me say “I am really afraid that in 10 years you are going to be married to this person, have an eating disorder, no longer be yourself and be trapped in this situation because you have kids.” or “You are bullshitting yourself if you think this is not an abusive relationship.” Some of those people I cut them out because I was so tangled up and embarrassed. But some stuck around, and they never stopped calling. Both things helped get me to my bottom with it. Because I feared all the same things they did. But I was really scared to leave. I think an ultimatum might cause too just help along the isolation that results from people being in an abusive relationship. My guess is that part of the reason that dude is in this is that 1. he grew up with something like this that he is living–being privy to the example of other healthy relationships, dipping into other people’s sane lives helped. 2. feeling the consequences of what my behavior was reaping helped get me to a bad enough place that I realized I really needed to leave 3. She is probably physically abusing your friend if she is raging that hard 4. Let him know that if he feels unsafe, etc. you are there and willing to make a plan to get him out. SOmetimes people need help planning an escape route to safety.

My best male friend had a gf that wasn’t as bad as this lady, but pretty awful, final straw was she came after him with a bat. She was psycho. drunk and isolating–and he stayed with her because she was really pretty and he thought he might never really be with a girl like that otherwise. The world does bad headtrips on dudes about what makes them valuable. I would say the main thing is do not shame your friend, his shame is worse than you could imagine. Also, someone telling me that being uncomfortable was an ok reason not to do something helped me a lot. Being in abusive relationships, you totally disconnect from your gut. Also, don’t hold back if the GF ever provides even a small reason to call 911 on her azz.

By: Jamie

Jamie — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 18:56:13 +0000

I think the ultimatum could work (or at least the brutal outpouring approach with the reiteration of the news that you can’t be around the girlfriend ever again). But it might be more powerful if your husband delivered it, or at least took the lead in approaching your friend. You say that the friend is your husband’s best friend (but one of your really good friends too). My husband and I have lots of friends in common like this. But if I’m really honest, I feel like in every one of these relationships there is one of us who, when it comes down to it, can deliver real talk to our mutual friend in a more impacting way. And if your husband has been less resolute with your friend about this girl in the past, it might make even more of a point if he goes to the friend now and just lays it all out. Also, in the off chance that your friend is buying into any of his girlfriend’s weirdness about you, having your husband deliver the message might make it harder to write off right away. I don’t mean to disregard your friendship with the person in question (you are obviously a really good friend and important person in his life to be caring about his mental health and safety, and I definitely don’t think that the “real talk delivery” always divides easily along gender lines). But if there’s any chance that you think your husband might be in a better position to deliver this message and have it be the thing that really changes how your friend is hearing all these concerns, then I suggest talking to your husband, showing him all the advice from this column, and then helping to prepare him to have the talk. Make sure he knows he has to be brutally honest about how awful this situation is–no backing down! And it may sound a little sexist, but I think there’s something powerful about a man telling another man that he thinks he’s being abused–it can’t be as easily (if totally unfairly) explained away as a woman projecting or overreacting (not that your friend would necessarily do this, at least consciously). And maybe on some level it might even be less emasculating to hear this from your husband. Like, he’s just calling it like he’s sees it (instead of hearing something from you that might sound more like, “As a woman, I’ve been in a similar situation or have had girlfriends who’ve been abused, and now I’m recognizing that you’re in that same (gendered) position”). I don’t know if any of this applies here. I just once had a male friend who was in a similar situation and it seemed like he and his male friends couldn’t recognize that he was in an abusive relationship because it just didn’t cross their minds to call it that (obviously, they knew it was bad, they just didn’t have the cultural experiences to urge them to use that vocabulary or see it in that light or something). But once one of them did start to see it that way and called a spade a spade, things started to change and my friend eventually got out and much later entered into a happy and supportive relationship with someone else (simplified ending to that story). I hope some or any of this helps. Good luck!

By: Adrien

Adrien — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 19:53:15 +0000

I disagree about the ultimatum. I’m there right up until that point. Certainly it might be effective to individually tell the friend all the reasons he should no longer be abused and it’s painful to watch, but why threaten to end the friendship if he can’t move forward? Same with the group of friends – it seems like an excellent idea to get a group together to express their love, caring, and concern – but why then back him into a corner with the “it’s her or us” threat? I say express all manners of concern and caring, but say you’ll be there for him whatever decision he makes.

I totally agree about the personal boundary of refusing to be around her, on the other hand. No need to put oneself at risk.

Heavy scenario!

By: Chad

Chad — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 22:23:41 +0000

To some degree this guy does not want to have control over his life. It seems like it’s okay to be really pushy at this point. He may be in a position where whoever yells loudest is heard. He probably feels like he is the only person who can help his gf, and that she is the only person who accepts him. I think that it would be better to remain his friend no matter what he decides so he at least has a support system–unless he constantly talks about her, which seems like at that point you just have to kick his ass.