Comments on: Professional Courtesies, Sexism, and Friendship

By: Yours Truly

Yours Truly — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 19:43:58 +0000

Hooray! I’m so glad it worked out for you. It sounds like you handled it really well, and did a good job reading her cues and just generally taking the whole thing seriously. But also “owning it” in terms of, like, not apologizing for wanting to get a good job, which you shouldn’t have to do! Everyone wants a good job!

Congratulations, dude, and many happy returns!

By: Thanks for your advice

Thanks for your advice — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 19:41:35 +0000

I just wanted to give a quick update, as the person who asked for the advice…

First of all, thank you so much for your thoughts and insights. Matt, thank you as well. I thought about all of this a lot before I called my friend and also since then.

When I finally did call my friend, I had procrastinated a bit– I was still very nervous! It was really that we were about to do a big gig together that made me make my move. I knew the first time I was to talk to her shouldn’t be in person and in public. We had a long-ish conversation. I was pacing the entire time. She kept saying things like she had gotten over it or was not nearly as angry/upset as she had been but then would make these gnarly comments out of anger. Here’s what worked:

Saying, “hey, even if you feel like logically, you are over it, I still understand why you might be upset at loosing your job and maybe not feel like seeing/being friends with me right now.” That actually got us on the same page more than anything, I think.

Letting her know that I really wanted the job and I had put my all into winning the job. I think that made the situation better because it made her feel less stupid for not getting it and also I think she could see my point of view a little more, knowing that I cared so much about it. (Matt’s advice helped with this one.)

I didn’t bring up any of my concerns about the audition conditions and I think that was for the best. Lastly, I think when we DID meet up at our gig, after some lighthearted digs at me, we just fell back into the regular rapport of our friendship and we both just relaxed. So things are looking fine, now.

Thanks again for your fantastic advice!

By: matt

matt — Thu, 17 May 2012 21:11:24 +0000

I think an important thing that needs to be considered is that the writer of this letter chose to apply for a job that he knew his friend had been doing and wanted to continue to do. While the arts are very cutthroat, that was a bold and competitive move. Not necessarily an ass-hole move, and perhaps the right move to make for one’s career, but one that signifies that the writer placed art and career over friendship. And that decision is the real ‘friendship hurdle’ in this situation. If it was an open position, that neither of them had previously held, then no big deal- let the best person win. But that was not the case here, and I think the writer may be deflecting some personal responsibility by focusing on the weirdness of the audition and male privilege stuff.

As an artist, you know that it is very difficult to separate your work from your personal being, and nothing is worse than feeling that your peers don’t respect your work. The woman who did not get the job is probably hurt and humiliated, and having personal connections with so many of the people involved only makes it worse. If the writer wants to make amends with this woman, then he should prove to her that he takes her ART WORK very seriously. He should initiate a collaborative project, rave about her work to his peers, become her biggest fan and prove to her that he respects and admires her talent. Re-establish and bolster a mutual artistic respect, and hopefully the friendship will be saved.

Also, it is important to note, that most successful artists have ultimately ruined many friendships due to situations like this. In some sense it is just plain unavoidable- friendship and ambition don’t always mix well.